"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
