I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
