i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
