there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
