I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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