can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
This is not my ceiling
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
