the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
organizing the empties. That sober.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
