I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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