it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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