Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize
