You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
