Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
