Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
