meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
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