i was born a porn star she said
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
