porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
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