If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Randomize
