I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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