in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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