Me. At least after what I've been through.
one two three fourrrrnication!
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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