Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
