How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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