: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize