My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
