After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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