the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
