someone threw a dead crab at me
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
