God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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