I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
