FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
