Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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