My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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