Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I want a musical about memes.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
