He uses pillows to masturbate.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
