Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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