I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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