I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Randomize
