I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
