YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Randomize
