BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
