we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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