I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
