you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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