He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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