so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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