textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
