I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
