You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
