Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
