I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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