I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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