Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
My vagina is officially offended.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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