sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
she told me i tasted like america
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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