Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I think my fart just growled at me.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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