Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
