I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
