I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Randomize
