I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
