420 ftw
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
