I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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