There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
did i just pee glitter
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize