you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
