apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
