onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
