You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
