Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
