I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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