mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
